I Lay There Crying

I lay in bed last night, silently crying.

I have been wrestling as of late with what my marriage means to me and what to do about how I feel. So after having sex with my husband (mildly good for me, seemingly better for him) I laid there and quietly cried. I felt so sad and empty inside, like life was a bullet train speeding by and I just wasn't on board. That I was running out of time and would I ever get to experience a relationship with the intense reciprocal passion that I longed for and felt I deserved.

My husband isn't a bad guy. He loves me very much, tries very hard, and we have a lot in common like our humor, kids, business, politics, etc. So it is all the more difficult that I just don't feel physically attracted to him. I really wish I did, God how everything would be so much easier! I would be willing to work through all the little things about him that bug the shit out of me. But I don't try very hard and just feel lonely. It is like I am married to this really great friend and we get along wonderfully, but we are not JUST friends, we are people who are supposed to have this intimate life, that we both want and deserve, but that doesn't exist. I cheat us both.

I watch couples on TV or in a film who are really passionate about one another and I am screaming inside "Yes! Yes! That's it, that is what I want so badly!" I really hate those couples, they have something I have never known how to grab a hold of for the long term. I have always made tragic men choices. I go for the unavailable, the inappropriate, or the ones who need saving. My husband was the first relationship where I was treated really respectfully and adored. It was quite refreshing.

But there were signs way back then that I should have bowed out gracefully. For as much as he adored me, I didn't ever feel that intensity for him myself. But I hate to give up, to feel like I lost the game, or like I was abandoning a wounded puppy, so I stayed around and then marriage seemed like what we should do next, afterall, I had put in a lot of time and energy and wanted kids.

And now I am in my 40s and feel sad, lonely, pissed off, and any number of other feelings that round the corner on helpless. Helpless that I am married with kids and the divorce choice will hurt lots of people (not out of the question, but will suck). Helpless, that I have once again chosen the unavailable and have a crush on a married guy who will never be divorced and have wasted significant energy and time nurturing that relationship. Helpless that as I age, the options for True Love become slimmer and slimmer. Helpless that as I start to really feel reved up sexually, my lover option is someone who doesn't elicite much passion in my soul.

I feel this big hole where all my creative energy, my amazing ability to be this great partner, my unconditional loving self is stifled and repressed as I just won't go there with my husband and have no one to wrap in this blanket that is me.

And I feel pretty fucking pathetic as I lie there in my bed and cry. I feel selfish for wanting something just for me, even though it affects so many others. I feel bad for my husband. He's a nice guy. He deserve a partner who will love him, make-out with him, and generally swoon for him as much as he does them. I also see myself alone for a long time as everyone else moves on with their lives and I continue to be unfullfilled in the love and passion department.

So I try to fill that empty part of me with some project, a book, a movie, or some other distraction to move on with the day and get through. Some days just aren't that easy and it is all too raw on the surface and the tears come out. Like yesterday.