I Lay There Crying

I lay in bed last night, silently crying.

I have been wrestling as of late with what my marriage means to me and what to do about how I feel. So after having sex with my husband (mildly good for me, seemingly better for him) I laid there and quietly cried. I felt so sad and empty inside, like life was a bullet train speeding by and I just wasn't on board. That I was running out of time and would I ever get to experience a relationship with the intense reciprocal passion that I longed for and felt I deserved.

My husband isn't a bad guy. He loves me very much, tries very hard, and we have a lot in common like our humor, kids, business, politics, etc. So it is all the more difficult that I just don't feel physically attracted to him. I really wish I did, God how everything would be so much easier! I would be willing to work through all the little things about him that bug the shit out of me. But I don't try very hard and just feel lonely. It is like I am married to this really great friend and we get along wonderfully, but we are not JUST friends, we are people who are supposed to have this intimate life, that we both want and deserve, but that doesn't exist. I cheat us both.

I watch couples on TV or in a film who are really passionate about one another and I am screaming inside "Yes! Yes! That's it, that is what I want so badly!" I really hate those couples, they have something I have never known how to grab a hold of for the long term. I have always made tragic men choices. I go for the unavailable, the inappropriate, or the ones who need saving. My husband was the first relationship where I was treated really respectfully and adored. It was quite refreshing.

But there were signs way back then that I should have bowed out gracefully. For as much as he adored me, I didn't ever feel that intensity for him myself. But I hate to give up, to feel like I lost the game, or like I was abandoning a wounded puppy, so I stayed around and then marriage seemed like what we should do next, afterall, I had put in a lot of time and energy and wanted kids.

And now I am in my 40s and feel sad, lonely, pissed off, and any number of other feelings that round the corner on helpless. Helpless that I am married with kids and the divorce choice will hurt lots of people (not out of the question, but will suck). Helpless, that I have once again chosen the unavailable and have a crush on a married guy who will never be divorced and have wasted significant energy and time nurturing that relationship. Helpless that as I age, the options for True Love become slimmer and slimmer. Helpless that as I start to really feel reved up sexually, my lover option is someone who doesn't elicite much passion in my soul.

I feel this big hole where all my creative energy, my amazing ability to be this great partner, my unconditional loving self is stifled and repressed as I just won't go there with my husband and have no one to wrap in this blanket that is me.

And I feel pretty fucking pathetic as I lie there in my bed and cry. I feel selfish for wanting something just for me, even though it affects so many others. I feel bad for my husband. He's a nice guy. He deserve a partner who will love him, make-out with him, and generally swoon for him as much as he does them. I also see myself alone for a long time as everyone else moves on with their lives and I continue to be unfullfilled in the love and passion department.

So I try to fill that empty part of me with some project, a book, a movie, or some other distraction to move on with the day and get through. Some days just aren't that easy and it is all too raw on the surface and the tears come out. Like yesterday.

Some Random Questions: Part 1

1) If you could pick one, which one and why? Fame, money, power?
I would probably go for the money. As much as I like being the center of attention and a performer, I value my normal life too much to have it be everyone else's business. I couldn't do many of the every day/private things I enjoy, like going to the movies, traveling incognito, some of my more risque friendships, etc. Too high a price to pay, in my opinion, for some momentary glory and attention. Power is all relative. I guess it depends upon what you need power for or how you feel powerless. I don't usually feel very powerless. But I work for myself, am an adult (most days), and don't have that many others controlling my daily life, so personally, I am o.k. in that department. But money would relieve some of the pressures I feel, free me up in some ways to do the things I want, and make me feel secure about my kids future, at least their monetary needs.

2) What talent do you wish you'd been born with?
To have a great singing voice. It would be the bomb to belt it out like Alicia Keys, Jule, Whitney, even Celine, any one of those ladies with lungs of steel and such amazing talent. I may not like all of their music, but shit they can sing!

3) What's a subject you wish you knew more about?
Any number of foreign languages. I wish I was more dedicated to studying French, Spanish and the like. I love being able to visit other places and really enjoy the culture and people. Language is a huge bridge to a good experience versus an amazing one.

4) What experience has changed your outlook on life?
The first one I can recall is when I was around 12 or so a friend accused me of not having a sense of humor/being too serious and always parroting what my dad said (and she was probably spot on too!) - not having an opinion of my own. I think we can safely say that it profoundly affected who I am today as I sure as shit am funny and unquestionably have my own opinions. My children, of course, are a huge piece and eclipse most anything else, so I won't go on there. While I have done a ton of stuff as a grown up like the Peace Corps, traveling everywhere, doing any number of different jobs, I think being a business owner is really the most significant experience as an adult (other than the kiddos). It is very empowering, liberating, challenging, fun, rewarding, sometimes scary, but mostly great. Nothing else gives me the sense of endless possibilities and potential for my future and the kid's future. I am not constrained by annual pay grade raises (or not), a supervisor's approval or displeasure, and if I can think it, I can do it. The business may only break even but every one of them has the power to blow the roof off with endless potential, profit, and success. The unknown, the excitement of creating something, the thrill of the ride is what I like the best.

5) If you could meet one living celeb, who would it be?
That's easy, George Clooney. Because I think he is funny, smart, interesting, handsome, and a bit warped like myself. That and I want to have sex with him.

I Have A Crush

The thing about being female and having a crush on someone is that the estrogen overload makes an otherwise mentally stable and rational woman certifiably insane. Being intelligent and experienced, I could step outside my body and say "hey sister, slow down! You are a train wreck waiting to happen!" But I think some depraved part of me likes to watch train wrecks. I also like the smell of car fumes, which might explain volumes about me.

I read somewhere that when answering certain questions said crush might pose, you should wait 4 seconds before replying so as to not seem overly eager or out of control (which is usually my persona). I am going to give it a try as restraint isn't one of those skills I am known for and I would like to see if the results vary from what I get now. It all seems very Ingrid Bergman like, but I am all for mixing it up sometimes. I am a list girl, so note below another one of my life observations lists, this time behaviors I find common to females (read: me) who have a crush.

1) I check email (or text messages if that is your thing) almost every ten minutes even though nothing has appeared to indicate something might be in the "in" box.
2) If I do get an email, I answer it ridiculously fast and then am back to #1, refresh, refresh, refresh . . .
3) I have bought a lot of really great underwear. He will probably never see said lingerie, but I feel better know I am sexy if I am ever in an auto accident, rushed to the hospital, and am stripped down to my silky underthings.
4) I often imagine going on vacation with him and how charming, adventurous, and clever he would find me. I should mention that he is married so the odds of this happening are about the same as my reversing time and having the boobs of an 18 year old. But this is my freakin' list, so I don't care.
5) I drive by where he works to see if his car is there. What this will accomplish is beyond me. He's not in the car and I would be mortified if he actually saw me, but I still do it.
6) I have taken up golf. He loves golf, me, it's o.k. Did I mention he LOVES golf?!
7) I wear boob shirts. I don't think I need to explain that one.
8) Whenever he talks to me, I feel like I have shotgunned three Red Bulls and I am so happy and excited, I almost vomit.
9) I have lost weight (see #8)

My New Best Friend

Every now and then, one has a life changing experience that makes them sit back and question what could have been. For me, that was my recent discovery of the vibrator, a jack rabbit vibrator to be specific. Now I know it might verge on pathetic that a woman in her 40s is just getting around to sampling this wonderful device, but that is the case and I am just going to move on and not dwell on the obvious.

The obvious being how I might have wasted the past 20 years not embracing the wonders of this simple battery operated appliance. It is like the perfect boyfriend in many ways. With a fresh deck of batteries, it never stops until you tell it to. It doesn't find "the" spot and then move on at the wrong time, mix it up when they should stay the course, or any other mystifying man nonsense that has frustrated women for time immortal. There are variations of speeds that I modulate when I see fit and I can even select the appropriate size and not have to worry about surprises or disappointments (or hurt feelings) in the intial throws of passion.

So I layed there after my first date with Sparticus (I thought it should have an appropriate name for how awestruck I was at the time), and my past seemed to flash before my eyes. Shit! I could have made so many better man decisions had I of known Sparticus was there as a back up plan! I know, I am stupid. Being attracted to unavailable men with an addiction to their penis' has been a fatal flaw of mine for too long.

Had I of even made an effort to explore this other side, I would have probably been able to make decisions with a clearer mind and less sexual tension riddling my body. Sorry card carrying republican boy with a proclivity to only have sex on Friday and then fall into a deep slumber afterwards, I don't need that type of love, I have Sparticus. Unbelievably hot soccer player who never really talked to me but that one night, get in line, I already have a date tonight. Emotionally abusive boyfriend with deep-seeded self esteem issues? Dance card full, so sorry.

And like most things in my life, I have embraced this new "discovery" with the zeal of a newly crowned prom queen. I have ordered the water proof version for my shower (the only place in my house where I get a morsel of privacy) and half a dozen others to give to my girlfriends. I think that my wisdom needs to be shared with my loved ones. I like to change lives.

So my advice to all women, especially the girls in their twenties, is to not put off to tomorrow what you can do today. And by do, I mean Sparticus.

Anne

So Esquire magazine has this website solicitation for women to contribute to their “10,000 Things We Didn’t Know About Women” essay. Since I am usually unencumbered by work here at the store, I have been assisting them with their efforts. Tips, tricks, insights, etc. pretty much anything that can help the male species to succeed in the world of women is a go. Below are my submissions. Read at your leisure and tell me what you think.

#1 Just deal with it

#2 When a woman says something is fine, as in, “Are you o.k. with going to my friends coming over and watching the game tonight?” and she responds with “fine.” It isn’t. It never is when the word fine is used. Fine is a huge clue to the fact she is probably either slightly miffed or really pissed off and just doesn’t want to deal with you. Whatever the case, things are definitely NOT fine.

#3 If you are interested in a woman who already has children, don’t be one yourself. She has enough work on her hands just caring for these people without you having any of your own childish issues and needs to add to her plate. Be the person she can lean on when the shit hits the fan and be the one who will take care of her once in a while. It is not something she is accustomed to and will go a long way in scoring you big points.

#4 You may be married to her, but she fantasizes about other men, sometimes a lot. Get over it, it ain’t a sport reserved just for you.

#5 If George Clooney (or insert name of any hot, unavailable fantasy here) asks her to run away with him, good chance she just might.

#6 Women tell their best friends EVERYTHING. Let’s just say that one again, EVERYTHING. Your annoying habits, nice things you did, her fantasies, your girth, you name it, our best girls know it all. They know more than you probably ever will. Again, refer to #1.

#7 We like porn too, but not some of the stupid, nasty, abuse-the-woman kind. A little plot development wouldn’t hurt and girl-on-girl isn’t necessarily a turn off, but nothing too rough.

#8 Men who let themselves go are a turn-off. Aging happens, but you don’t have to give up for God’s sake.

#9 Great dads are hot

#10 However intimate we get, we do not want to have you use the toilet while we are in the bathroom doing our thing at the sink or in the shower. There are lines you can still cross and that is one of them. Hold it or use the other bathroom.

#11 Do not flirt with the waitress while on a date with us. The fact that is has to be said is a shame, but I am sure it will hit home with some men.

#12 If you have the hope of bringing a girl home for the night, have the decency to clean the bathroom. She is going to use it and nothing ruins a good date for a girl like using a bathroom that smells like a urinal.

#13 Wear 100% cashmere sweaters, we can’t help but touch you.

#14 Don’t brag, it is a turn off and annoying to us.

#15 If a girl you are hitting on in a bar suddenly starts saying things like “And praise the Lord Jesus Christ my brother was finally released from prison today,” you are being told to move on in code. Anything with “Praise the Lord Jesus Christ” in it is a crazy, but effective, deterrent to the pick up attempt. Women are generally trapped in the world of being pleasers so rather than just be up front and tell you that we are not interested, really we mean it, we find other endearing ways that let you think it was your choice to leave us alone and move on to the nice girl at the end of the bar with the WWJD? t-shirt and choker.

#16 Shopping is a professional sport and you men are amateurs. Most women prefer to do it alone or in groups of two to three. For the sake of your sanity and the relationship, be frank (but gentle) and clear about your great hate of tagging along (BEFORE going out of course!) as she tries on the 500th pair of shoes and asks your opinion. It will not strengthen the relationship and any girl who tells you that it will is full of shit. Conversely, watching football is your thing and you really only want us there to have someone who will make the nachos and fetch beer. Let’s agree to not force one on the other. We shop, you watch football, no one gets hurt.

#17 Ask us if we have lost weight. And no, it doesn’t really matter if you think we have or not, we need to hear it every now and then and it will earn you big points. We are constantly bombarded with images of super skinny starlets who have now achieved negative sizes numbers. Congratulations, you are so thin you don’t exist.

#18 We like having the door held open for us. But don’t go ape-shit if we extend the same courtesy to you. If we are that type of girl, go with it and don’t turn it into a race and wrestling match each time where the mall security guards have to get involved. Balance is very important in a good relationship.

#19 Your natural “man essence” isn’t always so hot. Regular bathing and oral hygiene is.

#20 Do not go on a long car ride with a woman and not speak, especially to women under age 30. Older women know that men can drive with other people in the car for hours at a time only taking speaking breaks when Bohemian Rhapsody blares out the speakers, and then only to sing and head bop. Married women actually don’t care if you speak or not, but the younger set will fume and think you are mad at them or don’t like them by the end of the ride if you don’t occasionally converse.

#21 We don’t look nice tonight, we look hot, we look smokin’, we look amazing, but not nice. Save that for your female relatives.

#22 Women know most everything. We were gifted with this super power at birth. The ability to know where the milk is stored, where the remote might be, and the babysitters who are available on a Saturday night is the same freaky gift that knows which one is your ex-girlfriend at the class reunion, that you bought a jet-ski and have it stored in your buddy’s garage, and your forgot for the 100th time to walk the poor dog before you went to bed, even though you swear you did. Just accept it, resistance is futile.

#23 Do not carry your small dog in a Baby Bjorn front pack. It is too disturbing and pathetic for words. Poor dog, he is sooo going to be beat up in his playgroup. Same goes for dating women who dress their dogs in skirts and outfits. It may not be your dog, but it reflects poorly on your manhood. Your girl better be smokin’ hot in bed if you are going to go out in public trailing Fifi in her Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz outfit.

My birthday was last month. I subscribe to the theory that once you hit 40 you can go back in time with your age so I am now officially 36. Don't get me wrong, I am having a blast in my 40something age bracket, I just like the look of numbers in their 30s. I will stop at 35 because I think younger than that isn't very interesting. You haven't really seasoned yourself enough and are just starting to hit your stride at 35 and beyond. Kind of like chile, take it off the stove too soon and it just isn't right, let it simmer and steep and you have one hell of a main dish.

The actual day is always bittersweet for me as I have lots of friends and family who wish me well, send a card or present, or my adorable children make me a card that I will keep for a lifetime. But for reasons unbeknowngst to me, my dear husband refuses to even acknowledge the day with a "happy birthday to you" greeting.

It has been this way for about three or more years.

I have told him how hurtful it is to me that this odd passive-aggressive behavior is observed every single year. But nothing changes. Christmas isn't much different either. If I didn't select it and put it on hold for him to pick up and pay for, I doubt I would get anything then either.

So for days after, I feel like shit. I am sad and angry and worn out by the end of each day.

It has the makings of a divorce my darling, the makings of a divorce . . .

In The Beginning

First things first, my name is not really Anne. But I find my personal life a well of humor, frustration, and real good material so in order to protect the innocent, share honestly with those who read this, and not censor myself, I am compelled to take on an alter ego. Johnny Quest was already taken so Anne will have to do.

Then there is always the ever present weight of one's mother finding out that you talk about thongs, men other than her son-in-law, and possibly her that should scare any girl into hiding if only to avoid those looks at the family dinners. My mother has a muted sense of humor so I doubt she would see this as very proper or appropriate.

Also, let me put it out there right now that I have the attention span of a squirrel and so my entries will probably jump from here to there without much reason why we landed on the moon instead of at the spa. That, and my capacity to obsess about something to excess. I apologize for both flaws well in advance but appreciate your humor.

Anne